Old Friends Episode 1
This year, I got on this random kick to find people from my past, old friends I was close to at one time. I was going to have the opportunity to see two old friends this year that I had found with an internet search, and another friend whose email address I have, but whom I rarely see. The latter I will see in San Francisco next month, and she is my oldest friend in my life. I have known her since kindergarten and we became close friends when I was twelve, thirteen. Look for this reunion in Episode 2.
One of the two friends I found over the internet was coming into town this weekend. In the last two years of high school, he dated my best friend Mari and swam on the swim team with my boyfriend, so I had spent a lot of time with him. Our first year of college, we spent quite a bit of time hanging out, probably wrote letters - I wrote lots of letters back then. I always felt like I had a strong friendship with him, like I could relate to him on some level. His best quality was his sense of humor. He has always been very clever, very hilarious.
Somehow along the way we lost touch. School, new relationships, experiences, marriages, careers, kids. I love this websearch engine that gives you phone numbers, and I looked his up.
It turns out his sisters still live around here and his in-laws settled here as well, and he comes down often from his home in Ft Collins, Colorado.
The last time we had seen each other had been ten years ago. Once around that time, I saw him and one of his sisters in Austin, and was introduced to a girl Matt had just started dating, who is now his wife. I met her again a few months later in Colorado, when they came to visit Matt's brother, who lived in the same town in Colorado that I did. In fact, I used to hang out at his brother's place when I wanted company. When you are friends with one of their family, you are friends with the whole family. His family is very close.
I was thinking before I saw him, suddenly thinking would he have found that I had changed much? Would he be surprised at the way I am? I wouldn't really think so, but I had to think back. Who was I during the age when he knew me? Do I still have any of those same qualities?
When I would try to get my mind to focus in on that, though, I kept encountering the problem with perception. I couldn't bring myself from that time into focus, and realized I was missing the key information: In order to determine if he would think I had changed, I would have to know what he thought of me in the first place. What was his perception then? No matter how much I remember how I was during that time, I, from the inside, would not have the same perception of myself as an outside observer.
It reminds me of this school of thought in psychology that one can never really know oneselves. I don't like that conclusion, because I think it is possibly to know one's self through introspection, but this school of thought argues against that with the problem of perception. Part of "who you are", this philosophy advocates, is actually "who you are seen by others", and no matter how much one analyzes themselves, they can never know this information.
I believe it is possible to pick up on how others perceive you through direct communication and behavioral observation. When I thought about how I might have perceived at that age, I thought of a time when we were all studying for our SATs, and we were working on vocabulary, and they decided (well, mostly Mari) , that I was the definition of "effervescent". They agreed that is the way they saw me, as "bubbly". I thought of a time later, in college, when Matt and my boyfriend would tell me I was too loud. "Shhhh!", they were always telling me. I am sure they thought of me as "talkative". I know these things from what they say and how they acted towards me. I remember we had lots of laughs together.
Nowadays I don't talk or laugh as much as I used to. I finally got to a point in my life where I realized everyone had already heard what I had to say. I had finally gotten it all out. I actually have trouble thinking about what to say to people now, but that never used to be the case.
And I am sure Matt probably doesn't think that's the case, because I think I talked his ear off while we were hanging out. I was showing him photo albums. Somehow I felt it was relevant to discuss the road I took to this point in my life, catch him up with my pertinent history that he had lost during the time we weren't in touch. What seems pertinent now? What are the items that stand out when trying to explain the last ten years of my life to someone?
The story of my horse. Some trips and a move to Colorado. Animals at the zoo I worked at during the time I last saw him. The development of the relationship between my husband and I, dating, moving in together a thousand miles away in a ranch in Northern California, pictures of Rascal as a puppy and a growing baby inside me. Stories of Oregon in-laws. Moving back home, career choices, having children, finding a church "home".
Things are the things that shaped me, the experiences that changed me in little ways that caused the evolution in my life. It is my belief that people never really change, they simply evolve. In conversations with Mari, we decided that I haven't really changed, but I have evolved in the natural way that people do over time. My decisions, perceptions, and attitudes about things have changed, the way I handle people or life events has maybe changed, but the basic essence of "who I am" hasn't. I am still someone who has a big heart for animals, who devours books, who analyzes relationships, who writes as a cathartic form of self-expression, who is loyal to her friends, who has a liberal ideology, and who can't sit still for any length of time. A "do-er", a talker, an active and adventurous sort who wants to tell you all about the journey, one who will get up and disco dance no matter who is watching.
That is one of the things I remember most about Matt, the disco dancing we used to do at his house. I like someone who is not afraid to let go of social impressions and just have a good time. We would crack each other up. I have fond memories of his friendship, and we never had a bad moment, even though both our lives are defined by struggle.
Some people can just let those people go. My friend Lara says she has no interest in people from her past, that the past is best left there. I started to think maybe I was abnormal in my attempts to reconnect with those people, but then she tells me, "Oh no, lots of people are like that - look at Facebook, at Myspace, at the reunion websites - those things exist and make lots of money simply because there are lots of people like you who want to find people."
I read something once on friendships, and it was talking about different types of friends. One type they called "friends of the road", and basically it meant people who were your friends during a certain time and shared an experience with you, but then you went your seperate ways. I don't like the idea of "friends of the road". I want to keep my friends forever. You can simply say that is because I am a loyal person, but it goes even deeper.
If you were ever my friend, then you are always my friend, because I believe, like I said before, that people don't change that much. If I called you my friend, I saw something good in you, and that good doesn't go away over time. Same with love. If I ever loved you, I always will love you. I don't take love lightly (though my romantic history might make that seem like the case). If I loved someone, I saw qualities in them worth loving, and those don't go away just because the relationship changed. This is why I like to stay close friends with my exboyfriends, particularly the "Top Five Loves of My Life", and get disappointed when friendships with them don't work out. I don't like to lose friends to time and distance, and I am one of those people who will keep emailing, writing, sending Christmas cards and photos year after year, or randomly call someone out of the blue ten years later, saying "hey, I was thinking about you."
And you know what? I am glad I did that with Matt. He has changed somewhat over time, in the "natural way people evolve", but he is still funny, still clever, still a good person whose company I enjoy. I had a really good time seeing his sisters again and spending time with him. I liked hearing about his life now and hope to see him and his family again in the future. I am hoping we can continue to share a friendship and stay in touch over the years.
One of the two friends I found over the internet was coming into town this weekend. In the last two years of high school, he dated my best friend Mari and swam on the swim team with my boyfriend, so I had spent a lot of time with him. Our first year of college, we spent quite a bit of time hanging out, probably wrote letters - I wrote lots of letters back then. I always felt like I had a strong friendship with him, like I could relate to him on some level. His best quality was his sense of humor. He has always been very clever, very hilarious.
Somehow along the way we lost touch. School, new relationships, experiences, marriages, careers, kids. I love this websearch engine that gives you phone numbers, and I looked his up.
It turns out his sisters still live around here and his in-laws settled here as well, and he comes down often from his home in Ft Collins, Colorado.
The last time we had seen each other had been ten years ago. Once around that time, I saw him and one of his sisters in Austin, and was introduced to a girl Matt had just started dating, who is now his wife. I met her again a few months later in Colorado, when they came to visit Matt's brother, who lived in the same town in Colorado that I did. In fact, I used to hang out at his brother's place when I wanted company. When you are friends with one of their family, you are friends with the whole family. His family is very close.
I was thinking before I saw him, suddenly thinking would he have found that I had changed much? Would he be surprised at the way I am? I wouldn't really think so, but I had to think back. Who was I during the age when he knew me? Do I still have any of those same qualities?
When I would try to get my mind to focus in on that, though, I kept encountering the problem with perception. I couldn't bring myself from that time into focus, and realized I was missing the key information: In order to determine if he would think I had changed, I would have to know what he thought of me in the first place. What was his perception then? No matter how much I remember how I was during that time, I, from the inside, would not have the same perception of myself as an outside observer.
It reminds me of this school of thought in psychology that one can never really know oneselves. I don't like that conclusion, because I think it is possibly to know one's self through introspection, but this school of thought argues against that with the problem of perception. Part of "who you are", this philosophy advocates, is actually "who you are seen by others", and no matter how much one analyzes themselves, they can never know this information.
I believe it is possible to pick up on how others perceive you through direct communication and behavioral observation. When I thought about how I might have perceived at that age, I thought of a time when we were all studying for our SATs, and we were working on vocabulary, and they decided (well, mostly Mari) , that I was the definition of "effervescent". They agreed that is the way they saw me, as "bubbly". I thought of a time later, in college, when Matt and my boyfriend would tell me I was too loud. "Shhhh!", they were always telling me. I am sure they thought of me as "talkative". I know these things from what they say and how they acted towards me. I remember we had lots of laughs together.
Nowadays I don't talk or laugh as much as I used to. I finally got to a point in my life where I realized everyone had already heard what I had to say. I had finally gotten it all out. I actually have trouble thinking about what to say to people now, but that never used to be the case.
And I am sure Matt probably doesn't think that's the case, because I think I talked his ear off while we were hanging out. I was showing him photo albums. Somehow I felt it was relevant to discuss the road I took to this point in my life, catch him up with my pertinent history that he had lost during the time we weren't in touch. What seems pertinent now? What are the items that stand out when trying to explain the last ten years of my life to someone?
The story of my horse. Some trips and a move to Colorado. Animals at the zoo I worked at during the time I last saw him. The development of the relationship between my husband and I, dating, moving in together a thousand miles away in a ranch in Northern California, pictures of Rascal as a puppy and a growing baby inside me. Stories of Oregon in-laws. Moving back home, career choices, having children, finding a church "home".
Things are the things that shaped me, the experiences that changed me in little ways that caused the evolution in my life. It is my belief that people never really change, they simply evolve. In conversations with Mari, we decided that I haven't really changed, but I have evolved in the natural way that people do over time. My decisions, perceptions, and attitudes about things have changed, the way I handle people or life events has maybe changed, but the basic essence of "who I am" hasn't. I am still someone who has a big heart for animals, who devours books, who analyzes relationships, who writes as a cathartic form of self-expression, who is loyal to her friends, who has a liberal ideology, and who can't sit still for any length of time. A "do-er", a talker, an active and adventurous sort who wants to tell you all about the journey, one who will get up and disco dance no matter who is watching.
That is one of the things I remember most about Matt, the disco dancing we used to do at his house. I like someone who is not afraid to let go of social impressions and just have a good time. We would crack each other up. I have fond memories of his friendship, and we never had a bad moment, even though both our lives are defined by struggle.
Some people can just let those people go. My friend Lara says she has no interest in people from her past, that the past is best left there. I started to think maybe I was abnormal in my attempts to reconnect with those people, but then she tells me, "Oh no, lots of people are like that - look at Facebook, at Myspace, at the reunion websites - those things exist and make lots of money simply because there are lots of people like you who want to find people."
I read something once on friendships, and it was talking about different types of friends. One type they called "friends of the road", and basically it meant people who were your friends during a certain time and shared an experience with you, but then you went your seperate ways. I don't like the idea of "friends of the road". I want to keep my friends forever. You can simply say that is because I am a loyal person, but it goes even deeper.
If you were ever my friend, then you are always my friend, because I believe, like I said before, that people don't change that much. If I called you my friend, I saw something good in you, and that good doesn't go away over time. Same with love. If I ever loved you, I always will love you. I don't take love lightly (though my romantic history might make that seem like the case). If I loved someone, I saw qualities in them worth loving, and those don't go away just because the relationship changed. This is why I like to stay close friends with my exboyfriends, particularly the "Top Five Loves of My Life", and get disappointed when friendships with them don't work out. I don't like to lose friends to time and distance, and I am one of those people who will keep emailing, writing, sending Christmas cards and photos year after year, or randomly call someone out of the blue ten years later, saying "hey, I was thinking about you."
And you know what? I am glad I did that with Matt. He has changed somewhat over time, in the "natural way people evolve", but he is still funny, still clever, still a good person whose company I enjoy. I had a really good time seeing his sisters again and spending time with him. I liked hearing about his life now and hope to see him and his family again in the future. I am hoping we can continue to share a friendship and stay in touch over the years.
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